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Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
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9:31 pm - I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time.
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Or anytime, rather.
The last couple of days have been rather shit, fo sho'
I've talked a lot on the phone. With Cliff, and with Torri today, which made the day better.
I've worked a lot and all that bull shit.
I've hung out with Johnny B, who could possibly be the love of my life...right.
Next week I have a feildtrip I have to go on because I'm at the top of my class and I already have 4,000 papers done in my legal class in advance. The teacher is all the time asking me questions, making sure I remember it. Gets kind-of annoying...but I love the little pregnant-gal.
Etan and I had a fight yesterday. He didn't call. He didn't write. He just went about his etan way and didn't say a thing. Which makes me even more upset. Then yesterday..he acted like nothing happened..so I did too. The first time ever I've done that for somebody. I really care about Etan, and I know he cares about me too. He's planning a fire soon and I get to some. HE INVITED PICKLE BEFORE ME THOUGH, ETAN WHATCHUTHINKINCUTEFACE. :)
I love that kid.
ANNNNNNNNNND....Its pretty much been a shitty day so I'm out like sour kraut.
Oh, and one of my great ex-boyfriends told me today..
I don't know if YOU can be wholeheartedly in love all the time.
The sad thing...it's true.
current mood:  discontent
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| Monday, October 24th, 2005
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9:56 pm - It's the computer's fault things didn't work out.
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Work.School.Friends.Computer.Work.School.Friends.Computer.Work.School.Friends.Computer.Sleep.Sleep.Eat.Eat.Water.WorkSchoolFriendsComputer.
So why do I have another journal? It's the computer's fault..
Today was an interesting day, readers. I say this with confidence that it was not like other days. Meaning, I didn't go to work. So I had more time for...the computer. Friends day was Friday, I can only handle those people on certain days of the week, during certain times. It scares me that most of my friends voices annoy me to the point where I imagine them dying and untimely death. I mean, here lately I've been snapped back to reality and I've noticed my friends are RETARDS. They make points, and can't back them up, they're argumentative over every little thing, they only care about anime (which is right there next to god, but really man..), they still wear silly little animal shirts with cartoon characters on them, and chant around with this "Your mom" shit, "Your gay, ahahagigglesnort" shit. Am I really maturing? That can't be happening..just yesterday I scratched my ass, in public...I still burp loudly, in public and I plan on having raunchy nazi sex right there...in public. I'm just sick of THEM, and it makes me sound snooty. Now, I primarily hang out with one of six people (these are people I enjoy hanging out with) A bible toting Christian-maniac that always tells me I'm beautiful and god loves me but can't go anywhere without her chap-stick and kelly clarkson CD. A waffle house bitcher that is a communist and likes to scratch her crotch in public (hey, if you've got an itch..you've got an itch), A hilly-billy talkin waffle houser, that has a overly large head but is as sweet as can be. A loud-mouth know it all who always calls me "that little fat kid" when she herself weighs a good 500 pounds. A person that I love with all my heart, but doesnt want to hang out eventhough he lives right down the street. This is about it. All others are damn near retarded and need to be shot. This does not make me snotty, this makes me real. I say, by the end of High School, I'll be hanging out in nursing homes bumming rides off the RTA. I find nothing wrong with this, because I am THIS CLOSE (right here, this close ---) to being done with people.
My best friend loves me. I know he does. Why won't he admit it? Probably because he knows of my past relationships and KNOWS I'll screw it up. FUCK. Why do I care. I only date internet guys so that I'm miserable. I love being miserable. Ask my other good friend that I loved for years but barely talk to now because of how much I screwed up. Or ask my latest ex who is TERRIFIED of me because I can't control my emotions. Even if said friend liked me, and I know you do...I wouldn't date him. Because I'm that screwed up. It's tooooo good of a situation, and I like putting myself in shitty ones that will never work. And this one would SO work, it'd beyond work..it's like marriage work, little kids work, nursing home work, dying together in a plane crash work. It's SCARY work. And it fucks me up beyond recognition because I know, one day. He will tell me. In person. He's real. I've touched him. Ahem, anyways. He'll tell me.... But what will I tell him? Sure, I'll give it a try for a day or two, but because I'm happy in this situation and I find it too easy, I'll bail. Maybe I'll blame it on your penis. Even when YOU KNOW it's good. ;) But I don't care, thatssssssss how fucked up I am. I can't let you have a shot, so it's good that you haven't told me. That you beat around the bush telling me "one day" and "maybe" because one day...I'll be at my moniter with another prospect of love, and when we break up..I'll have the E-BALLS to tell them.
it's the computers fault it didn't work out
current mood:  complacent
current music: Show tunes
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